Hello everyone and good day.
I have never written either books or any stories. But I really want to do this.
I want you to read the first chapter (the prologue of the whole story), and appreciate whether I should write it further, or is it better to forget about this idea.
Very interested in your opinion, since I write mainly for young people. No abstruse thoughts need to look. A simple story with action, drama, thriller and a little fantasy =)
The life of the capital does not stop for a second. In the evening, Moscow plunges into a sea of light and lights. The city from its daytime incarnation could only be distinguished by the presence of stars in the sky. All other differences simply scattered in the light of the headlights, forever going somewhere, not stopping for a second, neon signs of clubs, cafes, restaurants. Life in the city continues, Moscow becomes spectacular and mysterious. Night Moscow in the light of illumination is an unforgettable sight! With sunset, the usual city life went to bed, and in the meantime a new, night life began on the street.
It was one of these streets that two cars were driving, holding one after another, but at a distance, as if they were going separately. In unremarkable two foreign cars that could be seen in the capital in thousands, moved along Novoslobodskaya Street towards the third transport ring. We drove in it, in the total amount, 5 people. Three rode ahead and two closed.
-Comrade Captain, ”said the girl who was traveling in the back seat of the leading car with a frightened voice. “I … just wanted to say that if our plan will fly to hell and if Alex recognizes you,” she continued to speak in quiet votes, when the driver interrupted her.
“Call me just – Alexander, or just Sasha,” he said in a slightly tense voice, completely concentrated on the road. – We are now not in the position to observe subordination. Alex will not recognize us. He was in the room for less than 5 minutes, and bags were dressed on our heads so that we did not know who he was
“Yes,” the girl continued. – But he tortured me personally, and if I appear in his eyes with this. – the girl straightened her hair to the side, and a cut was clearly visible on her face. It began from the left cheekbone and ended almost at the weight. A maximum of a couple of hours passed since its application, and he just began to heal himself
“If everything goes according to plan,” continued Alexander. – then he will see us personally in the last 2 minutes of his worthless life. – continued Alexander. – And when we enter the embassy, if you were able to drive us into their lists of the invited, then there will be no complaints from the staff serving this banquet, there will be no.
The girl had a laptop in which she did something at that, she did something at such a speed that there was no doubt – she was an expert in this matter
– Checked. We are on the lists – she was sure of this, and said without any share of doubt.
The girl looked about 20 years old. Her blond hair was disheveled, and hung almost to the shoulders. Blood spots were clearly visible on her face. Most likely they were from her wound on her face, but taking into account what was happening in the last couple of hours, one could say that there were several types of blood on her face and clothes. From her clothes, jeans with a T -shirt were dressed on her, also with blood spots.
After this conversation, Alexander led the car even less than a minute, two people were moving along the walkie -talkie, traveling after them in the second car
– Comrade Captain
“Yes,” answered Alexander
– You have a car on your tail, which stood in the parking lot before our departure
– That Lancer? Damn, I said, it was necessary to check it. Why not reported right away? Why, damn him, we learned about them only forty minutes after our escape? – The captain’s voice was tense. He was clearly not happy with such news.
– Comrade Captain, they appeared only now. There were no before, that’s for sure! How they could find us, I don’t understand. – the one who was sitting on the passenger seat of the car spoke alarmed voice
Without thinking twice, Alexander began to speak his thoughts out loud.
“The cars did not have about an hour,” he said slightly audibly.
– Bug, they stuck a bug on our car. Therefore, they did not begin to follow us directly, but left us only when we found out where we were going!
“But …” the second passenger of the car, who was sitting on his right hand from the captain, just began to shit
– We need a new car … and I know where we will find it
Alexander raised the walkie -talkie and tried to contact their second car. When the radio is turned on, he gave orders with a decisive voice
– Now we are turning on Vadkovsky Lane. You follow, but do not turn with us. There was still not enough for them to be spotted. Then wait for us on the corner and see. We will get up near the police station and go to meet them. They will not shoot, shots will hear everything, but they will be able to fight with us in hand -to -hand. If they go to meet us, then you, go after and attack them. How many of them are there?
– Two … Accepted, Comrade Captain … Hind, – with these words they postponed the walkie -talkie and began to begin to fulfill the order
“Got it, Dima,” the captain said to the man sitting next to him. – You will come with me. Just in case, take the barrel, shoot only if necessary. If they make contact with us, we are waiting
– I see, but what if they immediately start shooting at us … what if they do not care about the department? – Dima asked with little bewilderment
– They are not suicides. You can run away with a poet street either through the department or in the opposite direction, where they will be waiting for Alexei and Vasily
The captain took a walkie -talkie to make sure that Alexey and Vasily were in place, but the radio did not like to turn on
“Defined, creature,” Alexander said angrily. – Okay, I hope that not idiots, they will figure it out when it will be necessary to join the battle
Alexander was attached to the side of the road, but did not turn the engine. The lane was not so well lit as Novoslobodskaya, the actions of their opponents could be calmly distinguished. Alexander and Dima got out of the car. Their pursuers waited a little, then they themselves began to go out. There were two of them. They were dressed in dark trousers and white shirts. Clothing for both was practically no different, and in general it was like people had some kind of connection. Brothers? Just colleagues always working together? But this was not particularly interested in Alexander and Dima. All their attention was pointed to their movements. They tried to understand that their pursuers would want to undertake in the future. Step by step, very carefully they moved to each other and, when less than ten steps were left before their collision, both sides stopped
The first spoke Alexander:
– What do you want? – the captain asked assertively. – Who are you like, we have never met you before!
“Calm,” answered the one that was higher.
According to his intonation, it was clear that this situation did not scare him, and he was not afraid for his life.
– Hello, Dima.
– How do you know me? He asked in surprise. He also did not know these people, and the fact that they knew him seemed strange to him
– We have one common goal – Alex. He bothers us very much. I represent people who have special power in many areas of our lives. But we cannot act against him ourselves. This is a cherry … by some … consequences. – The man continued to speak quite calmly.
-What do you want from us? – asked them Alexander
– From you – nothing. From Dmitry … well … we want to offer him a deal. Your suit still with you?
– What a suit? – asked Dima
– No need to pretend to be a fool. We all know very well – a certain enthusiasm.
Dima was silent for a while. He assessed the condition. Although what could be evaluated here? They knew about such things that no one but Alexander knew. Without hesitation, Dima answered, yes, yes. I have
– We know that some problems arose with him. We even know how to fix them
– What? – Dima was shocked
– Yes. And my employers want to offer you a deal. We will help you and rule the non -field in exchange for your help, concluded in the presentation of all the knowledge available to us, regarding the design of this subject
“No,” Dima interrupted them. – I will not disclose this to everyone who is not advanced.
– We were warned that you can react so. Come on so. We will leave now. If you suddenly change your mind, then call this number.
The representative gave Dmitry a card on which only the number was written and together with his partner, who did not say a word during the meeting, just turned around and went to his car. They sat down and left without any words.
Get down a couple of seconds ran to them Alexey and Vasily
– What’s happened? We did not interfere. There was no threat on their part. They didn’t even take themselves weapons
“Everything is fine,” said Dima
– And what did they want?
– It doesn’t matter. Get in the car and watch them. I need to know where they went
– Eat!
And with these words Alexander and Dima went to his car.
– You really want to tell them everything? – asked Alexander
– Of course not.
With these words, Ionia got into the car. Lena immediately asked – and you do not want to tell me what you were talking about so kindly with our pursuers?
– They wanted to help us
– AND?
– and demanded in return that we could not provide them. – answered Dima
– And what is it?
– The time will come, and you yourself will see everything. Let’s go – not a slope for a second said Alexander.
The car moved. They rode for about 15 minutes. until we reached the place where they held a banquet. They stopped around the corner.
– We go out and change clothes. We wipe your faces, there should not be a trace of blood on them. We are still going to the banquet, ”said Alexander, opening his door
All three went out and went to the trunk of the car. Opening it, they saw two clean costumes and evening for a lady.
“We take everything you need from the first -aid kit and erase blood,” said Dima.
Taking her clothes, Lena saw a large metal case in the trunk.
– This is what you talked about?
– Yes. Come on, we have little time. It all has already begun, ”Alexander said quietly.
Having changed clothes, all three put their old clothes in the trunk and got into the car. Having drove up to the gate, they stopped. One of the guards approached them and asked to present an invitation. When they were presented to him, he went to his post, check the "purity" of passes.
“Well,” Dima said with a small share of irony. – Now he will understand that the passes are linden and we will be arrested. Alex will leave and we will never find him.
– You doubt my abilities? – interrupted him Lena. – If I already know how to do, then it is the documents to fake
While they were talking, a guard who carried their invitation tickets approached them
– Welcome, gentlemen. You can leave your car at the second parking level. Pleasant evening, ”the guard said absolutely calmly
All three sighed in relief and drove into the territory
We are inside, ”said Alexander. – Get up
For errors in the text, I ask you not to get angry. I do not have an editor of the text yet, I dulled my knowledge a little, after 2 years of my life behind the Gran of our country
And one more request. those people who read this, bring this post to 10 likes. I want this post to hang longer at the very beginning, so that as many people as possible to get acquainted with him. It is very important for me to find out as many opinions as possible. Thank you
I am waiting for sentences in a form that you can change. Tips are also welcome. Thank you all!
The best comments
Many of your mistakes are that you accidentally pressed the wrong letter or missed the letter. Tip: I wrote a sentence, read it. Think about what you can do better and look for errors
I found an actual https://the-vic-casino.uk/bonus/ mistake. The third sentence. Stars in Moscow at night are not visible because of these very lights. It turns out illogical.
Unfortunately, the text could not hook me at all, read a third of the force. Tired when all these dry dialogs began. My advice to you, for actors, come up with something besides names. Call the hero only by his name/pronoun/gender (man, girl) is not very cool, the reader quickly gets boring. Well, in general, dilute everything with emotions, thoughts of characters. In addition to purely plot dialogues, there should be something else that will make the characters of the heroes more “voluminous”, because the most terrible is the characters “blannics” without motivation. Well, with this you should succeed.
I started with the description, and finished there. It is necessary to competently dilute the action with a description of something, and not divide the text into several large parts: “So, here the description will go with the wall … Well, that’s all, then action”.
Further, my purely personal opinion: if you start immediately with action, so to speak, “from the place to the quarry”, it is necessary to make this very action completely crazy and dizzying. Wow effect. Another thing is if you start a book with a measured and gradual immersion of the reader in history. This option may not seem too good, but it is only at first. Actually very profitable and not as difficult as starting with an action.
The main thing is to control the language of the story, follow the inconsistencies and logical errors. And it is better to stop and think through every step of the hero far forward than to write everything spontaneously and not really thinking.
Good luck in writing, since this is, in fact, a rather hard work that requires attentiveness, concentration and, of course, perseverance. I hope the output will turn out a worthy product. 😉
As they say.
There is nothing to complain about? Get up to spelling! Ah, if everything was so perfect in this world ..
Everything is not bad, and since I myself am too lazy to write, hold a plus for my efforts. Continue to post new chapters.
With sunset, the usual city Life to sleep, And on the street, meanwhile, a new, night life began.
I advise you to read the classics of Russian literature. And I advise you to read them regularly for a long time. Then a sense of language will be developed, which is very important for a person trying to connect at least part of his life with literature. In addition, some words of foreign origin are simply incorrectly used. For example, an opponent is the opposite side in a dispute, an opponent behind a chessboard, but not a pursuer in any way.
Yes, and more: be attentive, correct the inventory. Missed point, the beginning of a sentence with a small letter or “7” instead of ”?"You can’t sleep to ignorance of the language.
Syntax is sometimes limping, strange “call me Just – Alexander, or Just Sasha.
At the end, a lot of pronouns: they, him, him, them, he, his own.
It cost a little more attentive to write and read the text. Errors – like fleas in a courtyard dog.
Yes, the text is quite clumsy, as a presentation of the content of a book by some eighth-grader. It is worth turning to additional literature. To the reference book E.Baryakina, for example. As a writer, she is a rare bullshit, and it’s a shame about her behavior, but she made a good sample of other people’s ideas.
And behind the tongue … This is to Chekhov, Dostoevsky, Pushkin, Gogol. You can look at Dovlatov.
Given all the comments, began to correct. I think that through an hour another I can lay out the corrected version
Maybe: according to his intonation, it was clear that he was not afraid of a feature or God in his life, and who came up calmly and indifferently at the captain, as if he were a seller in a store, and a plain person by a buyer.
IIIII … grow, write, read. Read a lot. Look for special literature. One of the best I think in this matter – the Hollywood textbook of the scriptwriters ^^))) and finally I am for. And it’s time to sleep. The head is no longer thinking
did not escape typical mistakes for the novice: he began with the description, continued with an endless dialogue. But, of course, if you write for yourself, then Surno.
Very. Even very much. You can. Yes. There are mistakes, but they are not critical. "Killer" can be, as long ago I have not written anything like that. = 3, by the way, my kalyaks, may like it. =)
Thanks to your support, new chapters will definitely be, but not today. Tomorrow the exam in the traffic police, so today I don’t even think about the second chapter =)
I subscribe to every word, everything is true. And one more thing: add more synonyms and metaphors – this makes the text more colorful and less dry. I also advise you to get acquainted with the books of the already held writers of our time, who very often write just about how to competently approach the writing of the book and take into account a number of typical errors. I especially recommend: Olga Gromyko “DIY A starship. Self -instigator on writing science fiction ”and Stephen King“ How to write books ”
